True quotes about the most forced rivalry in US team sports

This is from an actual article in the Wall Street Journal about the fierce Timbers /Sounders derby (or "rivalry" in words actual sports fans use) that is three years old.

This:

In Portland, stadium vendors hawk barbecued-tofu sandwiches, spinach salads and chocolate-covered bacon, putting Seattle's relatively mundane offerings, like veggie dogs, gourmet donuts and cappuccinos, to shame. Sure, the Sounders boast a "democracy" that gives fans voting rights on decisions like the team name, but the Timbers management consults regularly with its supporters group, the Timbers Army, and trumpets the team's commitment to community service. (The team plants a tree, for example, for every goal scored.) 

 And:

"They're hippies," said Seattle fan Nic Greer, a 32-year-old garbage man with a lip ring who wears a chicken mask on his head to every game and a jersey that reads "Chicken Man" across the back.

And:

"In Seattle they have Republicans," said Heather Mathews, a graduate student at Lewis and Clark, who imagines Seattle fans spend most of their free time "sailing around in their sailboats."

 There is absolutely no defending this. Please, NBA, bring a team back to Seattle. This way the Sonics and Blazers can have games where sports fans who aren't co-splaying the EPL can have some enjoyment.