You're right. No one likes you.

Here is a short (yet somehow never-ending) video about my hometown Sons of Ben and the ethos and meaning behind their "No one likes us, We don't care" chant. The documentary fails to mention that the song/chant/whatever actually comes from Millwall in England. And they couldn't be more different.

Millwall is this hard-nosed club from what I understand is a hellhole neighborhood in London. They developed the most notorious hoodlum fans in England. Many of the most infamous hooligan-related riots and the like prominently involved Millwall in some fashion.

I mean, Philly has its tough, rough-around-the-edges areas. And anyone who has ever been to an Eagles or Phillies (when they were good) or Flyers game will tell you that, yes, our city is filled with lunatics who will gladly wear one of your knocked out teeth as a form of primal jewelry.

But I guarantee that almost anyone in Philly with some job that requires them to torch the edifice at construction sites built by non-union hands gives a crap about our soccer team. And certainly no Millwall supporter rocks the MGMT tribute band facial hair/nosering that the esteemed Sons of Ben capo does here.

The Cause of Our Lifetime

This is wonderful. A few years ago, some goofs from the diehard fans of the San Jose Clash/Earthquakes/whatever made a banner (I refuse to call banners 'tifo'0 that for some reason referenced Charlie Sheen. They were reprimanded by the club. It resulted in this letter, which is on par with Thomas Paine's "Common Sense."

1906 Ultras Statement Regarding Protest

We are protesting the unjust probation that the Earthquakes front office have imposed on our group as punishment for our Tifo (overhead banner) at the Seattle home game on April 2nd. We will not stand for the front office’s unwarranted attempt at censorship. Three days after the Seattle game, Ultras leaders received an e-mail from the Earthquakes front office notifying us that a Seattle supporter complained about the tifo on Twitter, and that the Earthquakes front office agreed that the tifo was vulgar, a violation of the fan code of conduct, poorly represented the club, and that as a result the Ultras were being punished by being placed on probation.

The tifo at the Seattle game was in no way vulgar or obscene, and in no way violates the fan code of conduct. There was no nudity, no sexual acts, and no profanity. The tifo was merely an irreverent take on Charlie Sheen, something which the Earthquakes front office itself has indulged in (see their youtube video from a few weeks ago). If the tifo was so obscene and such a violation of the code of conduct, why did no Earthquakes staff member ask us to take it down, or complain to us during or after the game? Why did not a single Earthquakes fan complain about the tifo? Why did the front office not say anything to us for three full days? For the Earthquakes front office to now come forward and suggest the tifo was obscene is extremely insulting to the Ultras artists who spent countless hours of their free time making it. Our protest will continue until the unjust probation is lifted.

Sincerely,

1906 ultras leadership

I placed in bold my favorite line in our era's version of the 97 Thesis. It stinks that the team's owners found your dumb banner offensive. But it's more offensive to me that:

A) You call people who airbrush "Winning" references on dollar store bedsheets as "artists."

B) That you're whining about the 'countless' hours of free time that were spent making such a travesty. Maybe you could have spent your free time in a more productive fashion.

Here are things you could have done with your free time that are more productive than insulting Charlie Sheen:

1) Literally anything else.

The Chicago Fire's Industrial Metal Fan Supporters Group

This is not made up. It is on the official "Supporters Group" listing of the Chicago Fire's official website. I can't find any information about this group, but would love to find out more.

How the hell did this originate? Did like a few dudes at a Revolting Cocks reunion show notice they were all wearing Chicago Fire jerseys and decide to get together? Was a Fire game on at a Wicker Park bar that had an industrial dance night?

What do they chant at games? The lyrics to "Sex On Wheels" by My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult?  Do they scream DOOO MY KISSSES BURRN during games against FC Dallas? Do they make tifos with the KMFDM logo?

A Creepy Toilet Trained Cat Loves The Whitecaps

This is Pean, The Toilet Trained Cat. This cat has about 20 videos of her doing things like peeing and being forced to dance. For some reason, she is dancing to "White Is The Colour," which is the official theme of the Vancouver Whitecaps. And like all things official and related to (North) American soccer, it's actually completely derivative/stolen from somewhere else. In this case, it's Chelsea's theme song.

The Whitecaps rip-off was originally recorded in the NASL days. The Proclaimers then re-recorded a version a decade or so ago, despite no doubt being out of breath from constantly running 500-to-1,000 miles at a time. So now the Whitecaps use a now outdated cover version of a song they already ripped off almost 40 years ago. I think that makes sense.

But what really doesn't make sense is why anyone would train their cat to pee in a human toilet. I mean, I guess you don't have to clean the litter box but this is just the creepiest thing imaginable.

True quotes about the most forced rivalry in US team sports

This is from an actual article in the Wall Street Journal about the fierce Timbers /Sounders derby (or "rivalry" in words actual sports fans use) that is three years old.

This:

In Portland, stadium vendors hawk barbecued-tofu sandwiches, spinach salads and chocolate-covered bacon, putting Seattle's relatively mundane offerings, like veggie dogs, gourmet donuts and cappuccinos, to shame. Sure, the Sounders boast a "democracy" that gives fans voting rights on decisions like the team name, but the Timbers management consults regularly with its supporters group, the Timbers Army, and trumpets the team's commitment to community service. (The team plants a tree, for example, for every goal scored.) 

 And:

"They're hippies," said Seattle fan Nic Greer, a 32-year-old garbage man with a lip ring who wears a chicken mask on his head to every game and a jersey that reads "Chicken Man" across the back.

And:

"In Seattle they have Republicans," said Heather Mathews, a graduate student at Lewis and Clark, who imagines Seattle fans spend most of their free time "sailing around in their sailboats."

 There is absolutely no defending this. Please, NBA, bring a team back to Seattle. This way the Sonics and Blazers can have games where sports fans who aren't co-splaying the EPL can have some enjoyment.

TIMBER

This is why I started this blog. The enemy must be destroyed.

NYCFC's PATH Ride To Hell

This blog was prompted by the ridiculousness that was the NYCFC vs. Red Bulls NY "Battle of the Hooligans." I mean, it's dumb enough that Red Bulls NY has an "Ultras" supporters group (and it's bad enough we have "supporters groups" instead of "fans"). But NYCFC has hooligans willing to go to a bar in Newark and start trouble. YO! Your team is an expansion team! Like, can you cool it?

But NYCFC in general is just the worst of the worst. I hate American soccer fans because this stuff is so fake. A lot of you all act like the guys who go to concerts wearing the shirt of the band you are going to watch. Having Irish drinking song rip-offs of teams that are eight years old is bad enough. But for a team that only existed on paper until, like, March? Come on.

Can you imagine being someone who is just a regular PATH passenger taking the train to Jersey City? (I'm not sure why anyone would do that during the day, but whatevs.) And all of a sudden dudes with vuvuzelas and drums come on screaming "HHHEEEEYYY BABBBY! OHH AHH!" repeatedly? Dear lord. That is a walking, living, breathing, nightmare.

Kudos, NYCFC. You are AWFUL!